As children grow, particularly through the teenage years, they are in the process of forming their identity and making sense of the world around them. Your ability to truly hear them during this time is one of the most meaningful gifts you can offer.
What Is Active Listening?
Active listening means you are genuinely hearing and understanding what your child is saying, rather than simply waiting for your turn to respond. It’s about giving them your full, undivided attention and communicating — through your words, body language, and reactions — that what they have to say genuinely matters to you.
There are three core elements to doing it well.
Ask good questions. Approach conversations with a real desire to understand rather than to judge or advise. Open-ended questions — ones that invite your child to talk rather than simply answer yes or no — are far more effective. “What did you think of training today?” opens a conversation; “Was training good?” tends to close one.
Paraphrase what you hear. Reflecting back what your child has said, in your own words, serves two purposes: it shows them you were genuinely listening, and it gives them the opportunity to correct any misunderstanding straight away. If your child says “I hate Tuesdays — training is awful and the coach never listens to us,” you might respond with “It sounds like Tuesdays feel really draining, and like your voice isn’t being heard — that must be frustrating.” You’re not agreeing or disagreeing; you’re showing you understand.
Empathise before you advise. Try to see the situation from your child’s perspective, even if you don’t fully share it. Accept their feelings as valid in the moment, rather than rushing to fix, reframe, or reassure. Often, feeling genuinely understood is more helpful than any solution you could offer.
Why Active Listening Matters for Your Child’s Mental Health
The way you engage with your child in conversation has a deeper impact than it might appear in the moment. Active listening supports their mental health and development in several important ways.
It builds trust. When your child consistently experiences you as someone who listens without judgement, they learn that it is safe to share the more difficult parts of their inner life with you. That trust, built conversation by conversation, is what keeps communication open as they get older and the challenges become more complex.
It encourages emotional expression. Many young athletes struggle to articulate how they’re feeling, particularly around performance, fear of failure, or pressure. A non-judgemental space where feelings are welcomed — not evaluated or immediately managed — helps your child develop greater emotional awareness and the language to express it.
It builds resilience and confidence. Active listening is closely connected to the growth mindset we’ve explored in previous newsletters. When children feel genuinely believed in — when a parent focuses on their effort and learning rather than just outcomes — it reinforces the belief that they can improve and overcome challenges. That belief is at the core of resilience.
It reduces stress. Simply talking through a problem with someone who is truly listening can significantly ease a young person’s distress. Feeling heard and valued in the home environment provides a stable emotional foundation that helps your child manage the pressures of competitive sport far more effectively.
A Simple Framework: LAFF, Don’t CRY
If you’d like a practical way to remember the key principles of active listening, the LAFF framework is a useful guide.
LAFF — things to do:
L — Listen, Empathise, and Respect. Give your full attention. Make eye contact, nod, and put other things aside. Simple phrases like “I can understand why that would feel that way” communicate respect and care without needing to have all the answers.
A — Ask Questions. Use open-ended questions to invite your child to share more. Showing that you’re genuinely interested — even taking a moment to note something down if it matters — signals that you’re taking their experience seriously.
F — Focus on the Issues. Summarise what you’ve heard to confirm you’ve understood correctly. A simple “Did I get that right?” hands control back to your child and shows you’re more interested in understanding them than in being right.
F — Find a First Step. You don’t need to solve everything in one conversation. Agreeing on a small next step — even if it’s just “let’s talk more about this tomorrow” — leaves your child feeling supported rather than abandoned at the end of a difficult discussion.
CRY — things to avoid:
C — Criticise people who aren’t part of the conversation. Speaking negatively about coaches, teammates, or other parents in front of your child rarely helps and often complicates things further.
R — React hastily or make promises you may not be able to keep. A measured, thoughtful response is almost always more useful than an immediate one.
Y — Yakety-yak — in other words, talking too much. The goal of active listening is to hear your child, not to fill the silence with your own perspective. Resist the urge.
Active listening takes practice, and no parent gets it right every time. But even small, consistent efforts to genuinely hear your child will strengthen your relationship, support their emotional development, and give them a secure base from which to face the very real pressures of competitive sport.